Phuket

So it’s been a few days since I updated the blog, and I’ll be honest the last few days have been a bit of a blur… but I will do my best to piece together some sort of story.

Awoke on Thursday to embark on a bit of a temple walking tour around Chiang Mai. When I awoke, I realised that I had gone out the night before, and that there was no way I was leaving my air-conditioned room and entering the 30+ degree heat outside even a minute earlier than I had to. So back to sleep before journeying to the airport.

Arriving in Phuket, the scenes are similar to Bangkok and every airport in South America, where there are a million “limousine” companies (read: standard car) and taxi drivers desperate to get your business. Metered taxis are nowhere to be seen, apparently the wait will be quite long for them so I jump in an overpriced one for the convenience of leaving ASAP. My driver spends the entire trip trying to convince me to ditch my pre-booked accommodation and go to a good place he knows.

About 25 minutes into the trip he turns off the road and heads into a travel agent and tells me to get out and book tours. I refuse, and sit in the car asking for him to just take me to the hotel. Ten minutes or so later, still sitting, a lady comes out of the travel agency and asks me if I want to book tours. I say no, and she leaves. We continue to sit in the car for another ten minutes or so… I’m now wondering whether the taxi driver is going to continue on my journey, or if I will have to book a tour to get myself to Patong. Eventually he gives up, and angrily drives us off to Patong to find the hostel, and Docca. Here’s Docca:

Somehow, despite being two of the world’s most highly disorganised people, Docca and I have managed  to successfully coordinate being in the same place, the same country, at the same time! This is no mean feat.

Day 1 - Thursday

Plan: So I have arrived aroud 4:30 in the afternoon, and after a long night before, and a long flight, I am ready for a quiet night in.

Revised Plan: Being at a backpackers hostel, there is no shortage of lone travellers looking for anyone to have a drink with. A few quiet beers, and some loud jager bombs later, we find ourselves inevitably on Bangla Road… the rising of the sun indicates it may be time to head back to the hostel.

Day 2 - Friday
Plan: Get up early, head to the beach for a drink, maybe hire a scooter and ride around the island, before heading to the bucks party that night.

Revised Plan: Sleep. Get up in the afternoon and source greasy food. Now we did manage to briefly go to a beach this day. Here is proof:

Now what I love about this beach is that there is someone here selling everything you need. After renting a chair with an umbrella, I realise that the sun is very bright and I am squinting. Next minute, a man appears selling “authentic” Ray-Ban sunglasses, recommended retail price ~$150. He offers me a bargain basement deal of 1400 baht! He can’t speak much English so has typed this on a calculator, which makes it very easy for me to just divide the number by ten. He refuses to lower his price, tapping on the lens telling me that it’s real glass. So if he’s not negotiating, then I’m not interested and send him on his way. Fortunately this works the trick, and soon enough the price is 1000 baht, but by now I have decided I’m not really that interested at all so just keep saying no, not even offering a new price. 800 baht… 700 baht… 600 baht… 500 baht…400 baht. By now I am kind of just wishing he would leave me alone, so I decide that $13 is probably only a little overpriced so I hand over the cash. (Status update: 24 hours later, my sunglasses have only one lens… poor purchase)

Time for the bucks night. It started innocently enough at the Katathani Beach Club where the wedding is to be held, before heading to a nearby stakehouse. Turns out stake is not a good idea in Thailand. Docca can barely cut through his, another guy Rob finds the only real way of eating it is to tear it apart with your teeth like an animal. Stick with curries.

Then we make our way to Bangla road and REDACTED BY ORDER OF THE THAI GOVERNMENT REDACTED BY ORDER OF THE THAI GOVERNMENT REDACTED BY ORDER OF THE THAI GOVERNMENT an Iguana on his shoulder and REDACTED BY ORDER OF THE THAI GOVERNMENT REDACTED BY ORDER OF THE THAI GOVERNMENT REDACTED BY ORDER OF THE THAI GOVERNMENT REDACTED BY ORDER OF THE THAI GOVERNMENT shit is that the sun again?

Day 3 - Saturday
Plan: Day trip to Ko Phi Phi, an island just off the east coast of Phuket.

Revised plan: Sleep, eat, sleep

That night there is a pre-wedding dinner at a restaurant called the Boat House, an absolutely stunning location:

After dinner a small group of us decide to head across the road to a bar with a pool table for a night cap. Then we decide we’ll head up the road toanother bar that has a pool table. However this bar is closed, so we jump in a tuk tuk to find somewhere close. Half an hour later we seem to be back in Patong and dancing our little hearts out on Bangla Road again…

and yep, sure enough, the sun lets me know once again that it is time to head home.

Day 4 – Sunday

Plan: Day trip to James Bond island

Revised Plan: Sleep

This afternoon is the wedding, so I jump in a tuk tuk at about 4pm to head down to Kata Noi. The weather is looking a little ominous, but everything goes smoothly. Congratulations Donnah and Maiko! A great day!

Why cut a cake with a knife, when you can slice it with a massive sword. Awesome.

After a lot of epic, sweaty dancing, its time to call it a night.

OR

It’s time for this guy:

To call a party tuk tuk complete with flashing lights and music pumping, stop off at a 7-11 for some roadies:

And head back to Bangla Road!

Day 5 – Monday

It’s time to get out of here, this island is destroying me.

Don't catch busses

So we awake (or remain awake…)  to catch a bus at 7:30 am. Like everything else to do with busses, this is a terrible idea. The first bus arrives, and is apparently full, so we have to wait an hour and a half for a different bus. It’s a small mini-van which would comfortably fit about 6 people for a long journey. So, being Thailand, you take the comfortable number of people, double it, and that is the appropriate number of people. So I find myself once again with my bag on my lap, knees around my chest, set for a long uncomfortable day. Fortunately this bus takes us as far a service station where we change busses to a (slightly) larger minivan, which gives me at least an extra inch or so of legroom.

A long, long, day of driving ensues. By my calculations 10 hours of driving should move you about 1000km. In Thailand, 10 hours of driving seems to have gotten us about 300km away to be dropped off on the side of the road with several hundred other people at some sort of bus changeover point.

Now, I don’t think my expectations are too high when I expect a company, responsible for getting twenty thousand people a month to the islands, to have a ticketing system. The ticket system is wonderful, simple, organised. Tried and tested by countless airline, train, and bus companies across the world, where you keep a record of who has bought a ticket, and give a copy of the ticket to the passenger. This way, you know how many tickets you have sold, and where they are going. When the person then boards the bus, you compare their ticket, to your records, and ensure that they align, and everyone will proceed in an orderly fashion to their destination.

What I don’t expect is this scene of chaos where the guy in the blue striped shirt:

Runs about frantically asking people “How many people are you”. He runs around in circles amongst all the people asking this same question. “How many people? How many people!?, One, two, three, four. No, no four, five, where is one more people. How many people? How many people? Where you going? You going Samui, no no, no Ko Phangan, You are eleven people. No Ko Phangan Ko Samui. No Ko Samui NO NO Four people Ko Phangan NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” before handing you a sticker to put on your shirt.

This continues for about 45 minutes of him running around asking people how many people they are, and frantically counting everyone.  He appears moments away from having a nervous breakdown.

Turns out the sticker system, where you maintain no record for yourself is the stupidest system ON EARTH (although, I think theoretically you could still just look at how many stickers you had, and subtract how many you have left, and you would know how many people you had and where they were going…).

This boat:

Will be taking us on a journey to Ko Phangan. And despite the fact that this ticket:

Clearly says “express”, it is anything but. I am trying to decide whether this is slower than the extremely slow boat I took on Lake Tits in South America. If anyone else decides to do this trip, you should do your research, and ensure you end up on this boat:

Which about 5 minutes into our journey, is but a speck on the horizon, as we chug along at 0.000005 knots per hour. Or better still, for the love of god, book a flight which is a leisurely 55 minutes from Phuket to Ko Samui, and then half an hour boat ride to Ko Phangan (note, as Docca and I have learnt, you cannot book this flight the day before you want to fly...) It seems that air travel is about the only thing that second/third world countries have figured out. I’m not sure how many more long, chaotic, horrible, bus/boat/train journeys I will have to go through before I learn my lesson and just fly everywhere, no matter how close two places appear to be on a map or how cheap the ticket is comparatively…

Travel Tip: Always book flights

Anyway, we arrived safely at Ko Phangan. One more moment of anarchy as everyone attempts to find their bags on the back of the boat.

WE find a taxi that should seat 4, multiply by two, and squeeze eight people onto it. Docca says our destination “Hostel Ko Phangang”

Driver: “Hotel Ko Phangang”
Docca: “Hostel"
Driver: “Hotel”
Docca: “Hostel”
Driver: “Hotel”

… and so on, until we give up. We think they at least have the name of the beach right so it can’t be too far from where they drop us. Turns out it can be very far, and there are no street signs, and google maps hasn’t got a clue what is going on out here. So we wander, I think for about an hour, up and down streets, and even up the beach at one point, with Docca dragging his gigantic 20kg bag of everything he owns through the sand.

Travel Tip: know exactly where your accommodation is

Time for food, and some desperately needed sleep.

Travel Tip: Don’t stay in Ko Phangang if you want any sleep…

That’s all for now folks!